Complete Strangers Made Me Cry

Often, our faith in humanity is restored when we least expect it.  For us, it happened last night.

Our family went to the Copper Tap Restaurant for dinner.  On the way in, we spotted some familiar faces.  Two of the teachers from Little Stars (a school for autistic children that our son Ryland used to attend) were enjoying an evening out.  School has just ended for summer break and these ladies were kicking off the one week they will enjoy before summer programs begin.  Little Stars holds a special place in our hearts, as do the wonderful people that work there  After saying hello, we sat down for dinner.  I immediately asked our server to send a round of drinks to those ladies and put it on our tab.  If anyone deserves a couple drinks and a night off, it's those that dedicate themselves to people with special needs.

As we were being seated, Ryland had a little meltdown.  He has come so far with behavior in restaurants.  In fact, these days, he's pretty much a breeze.  But things didn't use to be that way.  A couple of years ago, I had some cards made up and started a facebook page.  I wanted people to be able to connect a face and a person with what autism is and how it can manifest itself.  It was a way for me to spread awareness, understanding and acceptance.  I would hand them out whenever the situation presented itself for sharing.  Most often, when we would sit close to another table at a restaurant.  I would place a card at their table and say "We'll be sitting right next to you this evening.  Thank you for your understanding."  I did this last night to the couple sitting beside us, right after Ryland's little meltdown.  He was great the rest of the meal, not one other problem. 

Front side of cards

That couple left a few minutes before we did.  As we were finishing up, our server informed us that they had paid our bill for the evening.  What? I was shocked.  And immediately moved to tears.  What an amazing gesture!  And not just because our bill would have been quite hefty, we ourselves ordered dinner and drinks and remember I had added a round for the Little Stars teachers!  But because, what they really did was show unbelievable kindness, understanding and love.  Without saying a word, they showed me that they understood.  They cared.  They loved.

Back side of cards

 I will never be able to fully express how this gesture made me feel.  

And I will never forget it. 

 Thank you, complete strangers, for making me cry.  

And for restoring my faith in humanity. 

Haircuts Are A Sensory Experience-Giving Your Autistic Child A Haircut

Summer is here and it is.....HOT! In Florida, the temps can get well into the high 90's. To keep Ryland as cool as possible, we embarked upon the sensory experience of a haircut.  For someone with autism, a haircut can be a hair raising venture! I would never trust anyone but myself to cut Ryland's hair and you can be sure that very few hairdressers have real experience with autistic children.

This is what's amplified to an autistic child during a haircut:
1.  The sound of the scissors sawing at the hair
2.  The feeling of the falling hair on their neck and skin
3.  The visual of the falling hair on the floor and their skin
4.  Feeling constrained as you try to get them to sit still so you don't stab them in the eye

Here are a few steps that might better the experience!

1.  Do it often, not every week or anything, but once every couple of months, do a little trim.  The more often you do it, the easier it will get.  Theoretically.

2.  The sensory input of a haircut has Ryland stimming for sure, so it's important to be extremely cautious when wielding the scissors

3.  Make sure your child is comfortable with the person doing the cutting and you are in a familiar environment.  That's another reason why going to a salon doesn't make sense for us, we cut in our bathroom.

4. Speak softly to your child and be patient.  This is not the time to raise your voice and yell at them to keep still!  Take your time.  When Ryland was younger we even cut in stages.  For example, it would take about 15 minutes to cut one side and he'd had enough!  So we would cut the other side later that afternoon or even the next day.

5. Give a reward when you've finally come to the end!  I offer Ryland a lollipop or IPad time, both of which he is very happy to receive!

These are just some ways to make it easier for you and your autistic child during a haircut.  It may not eliminate the trauma all together.  Ryland still cries when getting a haircut, but it's much less dramatic than it used to be.  Just a little stepping stone on this journey of ours.

Here's to you and yours and finding ways for your little bird to sing~

Andi

Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark
-Rabindranath Tagore

A bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song

-Lou Holtz

He's Not Broken

     If your child has autism, then you've probably experienced it.  If you're a well intentioned family member, you may have unknowingly expressed it, or maybe you've expressed it outright. The "it" I'm referring to is the intent to "fix what is broken".  Why do so many people look upon children with autism as if they are broken? And need fixing?  I think it's the same phenomenon that affects anything that is different from the norm.  People are hard to change.  It's hard for them to accept differences.  And in turn, they often desire to take those differences and conform them to a mold they are accustomed to accepting.  Well I can tell you one thing for certain.  My son is beautiful, loving and intelligent.  He has autism. And he does not need "fixing".
     It was a few weeks ago that a family member questioned whether or not I was doing what should be done for my little one, because, in her eyes he was obviously not "fixed" yet. My husband tells me I reacted quite defensively and shouldn't take it so personal.  What is more personal than someone questioning your parenting and passing judgement on your child?  Frankly, I thought I handled it pretty well. I didn't scream nor did I blast out any expletives...like I certainly was thinking!!
     Later that evening, in a hot bath, I was processing the conversation between myself and the well-intentioned family member.  The words spoken to me held such underlying judgement on my son and ushered in my greatest fear...that he will not be accepted.  I fear everyday that my son will be teased, bullied and not accepted for who he is. It is heartbreaking. It can be repeated over and over again, "We're just trying to help" or "We only want what's best for him" and what I hear is "You are not doing enough because he is still broken". I cried. And cried and cried. My seven year old came into the bathroom, and with great concern asked "What's wrong mommy?" I splashed water on my face and answered, "Some people think Ryland is broken." In the beautiful loving words only his brother could offer, he answered incredulously, "Ryland's not broken, he's just Ryland".
     Though I can appreciate that my son is loved by those who offer unsolicited advice, those words can be the most infuriating, most insulting and most heart breaking words spoken.  Let it be said that most parents of autistic children are fierce warriors for their child's well-being and happiness. There is no therapy opportunity that isn't considered to offer Ryland a chance for progression. But having said that, it must be accepted that certain progression may never come. And that's okay. Ryland is lovely and amazing just the way he is, today, right now.  So when you speak to these parents, be sure to choose your words wisely because you can bet there isn't anything you can say that they haven't already thought, explored, entertained or lost sleep over.  We are all trying our best and doing everything we can, to be the voice for our children until they themselves can speak and to give them space to spread their wings and find their own breeze.